There will be blood

First of all, I have a few disclaimers. 1) I beg your forgiveness for any misspellings, mistypings, run-on sentences, poorly worded phrases, etcetera etcetera. I hate bad grammar as much as the next guy. However, I write these bad boys on my phone and for some reason, my phone autocucumbers overzealously. 2) I type like I talk (I know, a less forgivable offense). So, if my posts ever seem like they just keep going on and on and on and they make no sense and don't ever get to the point, blame it on my AD... Did you know they have really cool Superhero ABC flash cards on Pinterest? Go to my Pinterest and download them! (Ashley Klingler) (I tried to include a link but I am inept when it comes to all things technical. If you've seen New Girl, think Nick Miller). A is for Aquaman!!

Speaking of Aquaman, it's shark week at my house. *Real quick, no filter. Right? Right. Okay.* I have a useless uterus. That worthless pile of cells only has one bloody setting: bloody. That is a big reason why it was so hard for me to get pregnant. They call it endometrial hyperplasia, or an overgrowth of the lining of the uterus, which causes severe menstrual bleeding. I'm one of the poor unfortunate souls who doesn't just bleed monthly. After I had the boy, I bled for 6 months STRAIGHT. I had a day or two where I would get a break but that was few and far between. My poor vagina. My poor husband. I think Kotext should endorse me, seeing how I singlehandedly keep them in business. Hey Kotex, hmu, yo!

Anywho... after I had Co, I bled, and bled, and hey, I bled some more. In the past, when I have been dragging much uterus behind me in a Radio Flyer for an extended period (period, get it!?) of time, my doctor has put me on Progesterone to stop the bleeding. Well, for some reason this time, even when I was taking the highest dose of Progesterone possible for me, I didn't stop bleeding. I had the worst cramps I had ever had, second only to miscarrying my first baby. I went in to talk to my doctor and he asked if I was ready to get my junk yanked. I'm 28 so, I was not super enthusiastic about that option. He told me to take a bit to mull it over and to see what would happen as far as my ladybits. I was a day away from my appointment to discuss my decision and the bleeding just stopped. I didn't care the reason, be it good, bad, or witchcraft. I was just happy for solice. So, I cancelled my appointment and began waiting for anything to change.

If anyone reading this has never had a period, let me provide you with a little insight. Normal periods are uncomfortable. Abnormal periods can be a nightmare. Each month, if an egg is not fertilized, the lining of the uterus begins to slough off and shed. Uterine contractions, or cramps, help move the old lining out of the vagina in the form of blood. Imagine for a moment, a time you took an exhausting poop. The kind of poop where your whole body aches, your butt hole burns, and you feel like you need to shower. The Taco Bell poops. It's kind of like that. The uterus constantly contracts so the whole downstairs section is just plain shot. I can't speak for all women, but I get the poops something terrible when I bleed. It all just turns to crap down there, literally. So, imagine for a moment, that this happens to you for 6 months straight. How am I not dead? I'm a wizard, Harry.

By some act of God, I had not bled at all for the past 2 months. I thought I might be pregnant because, why else would I get respite from the bloody horror that is my cycle? A crossroads deal? I was about to buy a pregnancy test yesterday, when I felt a familiar twinge. I knew the bloodletting was upon us. Sure enough, my uterus is hamburger.

You can imagine that with all this blood, it is not exactly easy to shelter a toddler from the truth. We are a very open family. We poop with the door open, we walk around naked, it's normal to us. *By we, I mean me*
So, Jules is almost always in the bathroom when I am. He noticed there was blood in my underwear after I had Cora. I explained to him that mommies bleed after they have a baby. He seemed grossed out but he was surprisingly cool with it. He knows I wear a "mommy diaper" for "my bleed." But, since I hadn't bled for a while, I think he kind of forgot about it.

This morning, when I was in the bathroom, he was there chatting me up. He looked down. "Did your bleed come from your vaginey?" "Yep, Mommy bleeds from her vagina." "Bleh. I don't want to bleed from my penis." "Jules, if you bleed from your penis, we have a big problem." "Oh, okay." I got a new pad and started to roll the old one up in the wrapper. "HEY! YOU'RE MAKING A DIAPER BURRITO!" "Yep. This is how I throw my old pad away." "Can I keep it?" You can imagine my response.

I know there will be more conversations about my "bleed." Have you ever had to explain your period to a little kid? What did you tell them?

Hopefully "my bleed" lasts for a normal amount of time. If my douche of a uterus could hold out for one more baby, that would be great. The more I roll along though, I kind of want the backstabbing little traitor out of my body. Is it customary to keep your uterus after a hysterectomy? In a little jar or something? I want that sucker to be my slave for the rest of my life. Uterus paperweight anyone?